Yet Another LWD Fanfiction

"There's a game that life plays
Makes you think you're everything they ever said you were"

Emily was taking one of Dimi's broken toys out to the garbage can in the back alley when she looked over and spotted her neighbour and long-time crush, Derek, sitting on his back porch, looking utterly helpless with his head buried in his hands. With a curious and concerned expression, she deposited the toy and went to the short wooden fench that divided their backyards.

"Derek," she said in a gentle voice, "Hey, you okay?"

He looked up quickly, his eyes droopy and tired, but trying to play it off, "Yeah, fine. Why do you ask?"

"Well, for starters," she rested her arms on the fence and leaned forward, "Its ten o'clock on a Saturday night, and you're sitting on your back porch...alone." She emphasized the last word intentionally, remembering the numerous times she'd come across him making out with a girl on the steps. Then she asked, "Where's the fam?"

He yawned widely, then shrugged, shaking his head, "Um...Casey is staying the night at Lucy's, Edwin and Martie are with Mom for the week-end, Dad and Nora are out on a date, and Lizzie is upstairs sleeping."

"So when Derek Venturi could have a girl over and get off scott-free," Emily swung one leg over the fence, then the other, and balanced carefully in a sitting position there, "He passes it up. You know, people generally wait until the full moon or...a near death experience...something...before they start changing their usual patterns."

Derek laughed humourlessly, "Yeah, I guess so. So are you really shocked that I don't have a girl over, or are you just bitter and making sure I see it?" He added the last bit with a small glare and a cock of his head.

Emily drew back slightly and frowned, "Ouch."

He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, "Sorry, Em."

"Derek, what's wrong?"

He looked up and saw that she was standing over him now, eyes glowing softly in the autumn darkness. For the first time in a long time, Derek thought, Wow, someone actually cares; someone didn't run away when I pushed. He ran a hand through his dark, messy hair and scooted over in his step, allowing Emily to sit down next to him. "Em, do you ever feel like you don't have any say in who you are?"

Emily shrugged and looked straight forward, "All the time. When my parents start ragging on me about all the plans they have for me, and all the things I have to do to achieve their goals, I feel like I'm never going to be able to figure me out." She looked back at him, "Why? What's going on?"

Derek pulled his knees up, resting his elbows against them, "I was thinking about it today and I realized that, a long time ago, I developed a reputation for being a lot of things; things I only was because I caught a break here and there, or tried something new on a whim. After a while, I started fighting to withhold this rep, and I'm not even sure that any of it is really me. Its just what people have always said about me; what they expect me to be."

Emily looked at him, a small grin on her face, touched that he'd confide in her with something so deep and personal, "Sooo," she drew out, "What are you going to do about that?"

"I'd like to take some time
Clear away everything I planned"

Derek ran his tongue over his bottom lip, thinking, unable to look at Emily, "I don't know. A big part of me wants to just go on being who I've been, because that's the easiest thing to do. That's the me that I know how to be, but..." his voice trailed off.

"The bad stuff," Emily nodded knowingly, her voice gently urging him to continue.

He nodded, "A lot of bad stuff."

"Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I'm in?
Its not hard to fail; its not easy to win
Did I drink too much; could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years"

"I've dated at least half of the girls at our school," he shrugged, disgusted with himself, "But I didn't care about any of them the way a guy should care about the girl he's out with. I rag on people all the time; people that don't deserve to be treated the way I treat them. I betray my dad's trust, which he gives to me even after I've screwed up so many times before, because he has faith in me--I can't even give him something to have faith in." He let out a loud groan and buried his face in his hands again, "I'm just stupid. And I take people for granted. My family, Sam, Ralph, even you. I don't appreciate any of it."

Emily's face crumpled and she put one arm around Derek's shoulders, then let her other hand rest on the shoulder closest to her, and she rested her cheek against this hand, speaking softly, "You're not all bad. I mean, plenty of people love you, and would do anything for you; isn't that something?"

He spoke through his hands, "Does that give me the right to treat people the way I do?"

"Well, no."

"Then its not enough."

Emily gave his shoulders a little squeeze, "Then I repeat: what are you going to do?"

He sighed and took his hands down, turning to look her in the eye, whispering, "I don't know. Could you--could you tell me?"

She couldn't help but laugh, "You want me to tell you how to be you? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of all of this?"

Her laughter was contagious, and soon Derek found himself smiling and nodding, "Yeah, I guess so." There was a beat of silence, and he was starting to look like his old self--whether that was good or not was still to be determined. He stood, leaving her embrace, and nodded toward the house, "Let's drop all this sad stuff; you want to come in and watch a movie or something?" She accepted immediately and followed him inside, using his phone to call her parents and tell them she was just next door, and would be home before her one o'clock curfew. Soon, she and Derek were both curled up on the couch, watching some silly action movie from George's collection. Though they laughed at all the appropriate times and discussed every poorly done stunt, they were both still thinking about Derek's attempted new-leaf.

"If I could change my life
Be a simple kind of man; try to do the best I can
If I could see the signs
I'd derail every path I could"

I had so many oppurtunities to do the right thing, Derek thought. All those times when I could have been the good guy. He shook his head and tried to focus soully on the movie, but couldn't seem to manage. He needed to be better.

"I've always liked school," he blurted out to Emily, who jumped at the sudden, unexpected confession. Derek continued, "I actually understand everything they teach us, but I still get bad grades, because I don't want to think of how people would act if they thought I was a keener like Casey."

Emily gave him a sympathetic look, "There's nothing wrong with liking school or being smart, Derek."

She couldn't tell if he was listening, because he went right on to the next thing, "And I hate that I always have to have a date on the week-ends. I would actually rather be at home, listening to music, or working on new songs for D-Rock. I mean, I like going out, but not every single night of every single week-end. And..." he closed his eyes, like this admittance would cost him, "I like hanging out with my family. Dad is a great guy, and Nora is cool because she usually sides with me. Lizzie is an awesome athlete, and Edwin is a genius, and Martie is the cutest, sweetest kid on the planet. Even Casey has her good points, but," he said without missing a beat, "If you tell her that, I don't think we can be friends anymore."

Emily laughed, "I think you might finally be getting a clue as to who you really are."

"What? A keener-homebody-family-man? That's so...not me."

"Isn't that the point?"

"Ugh," Derek dragged his hands down his face and looked at Emily, "Can't you please just tell me who you think I am?"

"Now I'm about to die
Won't you clear away from me?
Give me strength to fly away"

Emily smiled, looking away, "Okay, um, I think..." she blushed slightly, "You're an extremely intelligent, kindhearted guy who loves his family, and values his time alone, but also his time with people he cares about. You're the kind of guy who doesn't always do exactly what he should, but makes up for all the bad stuff by being more loving and accepting and helpful than anyone could ever expect from him, which is great, because its those little surprises that people love. You're the kind of guy who's complicated, and keeps a lot to himself just so that he won't have to make anyone else feel uncomfortable or helpless because of him. You're the kind of guy..." she trailed off nervously, then got up her nerve and continued, "Who has a smile for everyone, even if not always a kind word, and the kind of guy that will drop anything for a friend in trouble. You're an amazing person, Derek; I don't know why you can't see that and just be it, without any of the masks."

Derek was stunned to silence for a long beat, then he simply said, "Huh."

Emily blushed, "Sorry."

"No-no-no," he said quickly, "I mean, that was...thanks, Em." He smiled, "It sounds like me, doesn't it? I mean, that's all the stuff that I wish I could outwardly be, but I never had the guts."

"Are you kidding me? You're Derek Venturi," Emily emphasized. "I don't think you fully understand the benefits of that prementioned rep of yours." She leaned a little closer, "You can do anything you want--be your true self--and people will just go along with it, because they love you that much. And slowly--a sort of transition--they'll come to love the real Derek even more."

Derek smiled, trying not to focus on how close her face was to his, but slowly losing his ability to form coherent thought. Finally, he whispered, "Keener," with a chuckle, and started to close the distance between them.

"Derek?" A half-asleep Lizzie had appeared at the landing of the staircase, rubbing her eyes and looking a little green, "Do you have the thermometer in your room?"

"Yeah," Derek sighed, then turned and caught sight of his step-sister, eyes widening, "Liz, are you all right?" He jumped up and walked over to her, resting the back of his hand on her forehead and cringing, "You're burning up. C'mon, let's get you back upstairs." Derek went about taking Lizzie's temperature (38.5°C), giving her medicine, fixing her a mug of hot tea, and then sitting by her bed until she'd fallen back to sleep. When he finally made it back downstairs, Nora and George had just made it in and were talking to Emily.

"She's out," he said, then caught sight of his dad and step-mom, "Oh, hey, Dad. Nora."

"Derek," they said in unison. Then Nora asked, "How's Lizzie feeling? Emily said she was sick."

Derek went to stand by the couch, "She's at a 38.5, but she was feeling a little better before she fell asleep again."

Nora nodded, "I'd better go check on her," she went up on her toes to kiss George's cheek, and then started up the stairs. George grinned and plopped down on the couch, looking at the movie still playing, "Oh, cool, 'Dragon King!'"

Emily laughed and stood, "Well, I think I'm going to get home. Bye George." Derek followed her to the front door and spoke in a low voice, "So, Em...thanks for everything tonight. You know, the peptalk and hanging around, and..." he couldn't figure out how to word the last bit.

"The 'almost kiss,'" she whispered with a hint of humour in her voice. She shook her head, smiling, "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She opened the door, but then turned back, "Oh, and Derek," she leaned forward and kissed his cheek, then said quietly, "You can do this--the 'real you' thing, I mean. Don't make it up to be something bigger than it is, okay? All that's going to do is stress you out until you end up having a heart-attack. You really can do this." Then she left, disappearing in the dark night as suddenly as she'd appeared, just two hours earlier.

"Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I'm in?
Its not hard to fail; its not easy to win
Did I drink too much; could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years"

Derek closed the door and rested his shoulder against it for a moment, before smiling and saying to himself, "Yeah, I can do this."